Moments of Sanity

God I’ve been a terrible procrastinator lately. My only excuse is that being a nanny wears me the hell out, but that’s still not a good excuse because I have plenty of time to write at work. I don’t know why I have been so reluctant. I have so many exciting things to share.

I know Prozac isn’t for everyone, but it has allowed me to reach a place which I thought I wouldn’t see for years. I’m sure I’ll backslide before I get steady footing here, but I’m so thankful to be here, even if it’s only for a little while.

I am beginning to experience moments, very short moments, of real relief from OCD. I am actually beginning to experience moments without OCD. I haven’t had a moment without OCD in as long as I can remember. Most of my childhood memories, all the way back to when I was a very small child, include OCD in some way or another. I don’t remember what non-OCD thinking feels like. I don’t remember what it feels like not to have anxiety constantly smothering me.

But now I have moments of that kind of sanity. For instance, I frequently take the kids I babysit to McDonald’s for lunch so they can burn off some energy in the playplace while I enjoy air-conditioning. The only thing I will eat at McDonald’s is fries, so I’m usually still very hungry when the kids finish eating and go off to play. The three year old never finishes his fries. I used to throw them away and was unable to finish them for him before. His dirty little hands were all over them, after all. But twice now, I have eaten his left-over fries once he ran off to play. Disgusting, right? But I didn’t feel any anxiety while eating them. It was exhilarating not to be afraid of the contamination I was most definitely ingesting.

Now I’ve done lots of things that OCD doesn’t want me to do through exposure therapy. The difference between all of those things and this is the anxiety. When I do an exposure, I experience a lot of anxiety and have to wait for it to come down. With the fries, I had zero anxiety to begin with.

I can’t really put into words how amazing it feels. Like I said, they’re very short-lived moments of sanity, but they’re there all the same. I still have so far to go, so much work to do, but this taste of what it feels like not to be burdened by constant anxiety is a huge motivator. All these years, I have been working toward a goal that I couldn’t wrap my mind around, a state of mind I couldn’t remember ever experiencing. Now I have a couple of moments to remember as I continue, and those moments give me so much strength.

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