Barefoot

I’m excited to actually have something upbeat to blog about this time. I hate writing dark posts because I don’t want pity. I write them because I want to be honest and give a full account of what it is to fight OCD. It’s not pretty. But I also want to give people hope. Every time I beat a compulsion, my first thought is sharing it with all of you to show you that it’s possible. Unfortunately, I usually fail at actually posting because of OCD, but I’m working on it.

So much has happened since I last updated. I’m still struggling with the dark cloud, but I’m not depressed; it’s not constant.

In May, I increased my dosage of Prozac to 60 mg/day. The previous dosage, 40 mg/day, had begun to take the edge off general anxiety but had not yet helped with OCD. This current dosage, though, has been amazing. I’m doing so many things that I never thought I’d do. It’s too much to cover in one post, so this will be the first of a series of updates on how Prozac, OCD, and I are getting along

First up: my fear of being barefoot

I have been unable to be barefoot for years. Yes, this includes at home and in bed. I have been terrified of leaving my feet unprotected from contamination. I have been for years, but this particular fear got a lot worse a couple of years ago when I got a fungal infection in my toenails that took forever to fight off. I didn’t understand it at the time. I am SO careful about my feet. I regularly took the girl I babysat to the pool. I didn’t swim (that’s a whole other fear), but I walked around the pool area in sandals. As soon as we would get home each day, I’d ditch the sandals for my socks, thinking they would offer more protection.

I was wrong, though. OCD completely misled me. Surprise, surprise, right? Wearing socks 24/7 actually helped the infection along. If I had just suffered through being barefoot a little, I would not have had to deal with all of that crap.

ANYWAY, the point of all of this is to say that I am getting better about being barefoot. A couple of months ago, I started a barefoot exposure on my own. Instead of putting on socks immediately after showering, I had to walk downstairs into the living room before I could put my socks on. I didn’t always make it all the way down before caving. However, the past couple of weeks, I have been sleeping without socks EVERY night. I don’t remember exactly when I started going without, but I have not worn socks one night since. It’s amazing.

It was really hard the first few nights. I kept a clean pair of socks in my pillow case just in case I couldn’t make it through the night, just in case I panicked. But I never used them. I don’t even get nervous about getting in bed now. I habituated SO quickly.

I was really skeptical about trying Prozac, as I’m sure many of you remember. I almost quit so many times during the process of building up to this dosage. I’m so glad I didn’t, though. It has made ERP therapy so much easier. Doing my homework doesn’t seem like such a tremendously impossible chore anymore. This sock thing wasn’t even homework; it was just something I decided to try on my own.

On the other side, I’m still majorly struggling with stupid little things like TV remotes and steering wheels and kitchen counters. I’m still paralyzed when it comes to cleaning my house, which is infuriating, but I’m hoping that will loosen up soon.

Another Increase but with Better Results

Things are going better.  Emotionally, I’m pretty stable.  I’m up to 40 mg of Prozac now and have been on that dosage for just over a week.  I decided to increase my dosage over spring break because then the side effects wouldn’t interfere with my schoolwork.  This increase went really smoothly because of that.  I had a week of zero stress to get used to the higher dosage before going back to school this week.

Side Effects

Sleep deprivation was MUCH less than before
Sweaty hands (etc.) have not been as bad as before, though they didn’t get bad last time until the second week, so we’ll see.

The Good Stuff

Right before I increased my dosage, I started noticing very tiny positive effects from the Prozac.  Things like small decisions having less anxiety attached to them.  That’s right.  I can make decisions like where to eat dinner tonight without freaking out about picking the right place.  Last night, for instance, my boyfriend asked me where I wanted to eat, and I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.  That was it.  Decision made.  A minute later, our to-go order had been made and he went to pick it up.  It was amazing, so fast!

That motivated me to go ahead and go up to 40 mg.  That little bit renewed my hope.  I want to see what happens.  I want to see if life can be easier.  Who knows?  This could really work.  It’s nice to be hopeful again.  It makes me want to actually to my ERP therapy homework again.  I have been slacking on that sooooo terribly.

I’m excited to see how this goes.  I really want it to work.

Update (3/23/11 9:38 pm)

The sweating got tremendously worse in the last hour.  I guess that makes sense.  Last time it took a week to get bad.  I hope this does not last a full week like it did before.  I really don’t want to deal with this disgusting crap again.  So the question is whether or not to use the antiperspirant medication tonight.  Nasty, sweaty hands or cracked, peeling hands?

Breathe.  I can do this.

I can do this.

Maybe It’s the Meds

Today was just as terrible as yesterday.  I started feeling depressed, but I think I know why.  I think it’s Prozac coupled with hormones that is messing me up so bad.  I’m going to try to get an appointment with my doctor soon and see what she thinks.  I hope that’s what is going on because that would mean that it will go away in another day or two.  On the flip side of that, though, it could also mean that I get to have this much fun every month.  If that is the case, then I will not be taking this much longer.

We’ll see.  I’m not giving up on Prozac just yet, but I’m leaning more and more in that direction.  It’s supposed to lessen my anxiety, not increase it.  It seems like every week there’s something new to mess with my head.

Even if it’s not the Prozac, saying it’s the Prozac is helping me not lose it.  I am more rational when I can look at the crazy emotions I’m feeling and blame them on my medication.

Oh and the sweating thing still isn’t completely gone.  Much less than at first, but still enough to be super annoying.

What do you think?  Any of you females who have taken Prozac have a similar experience with Prozac and hormones?