The Dark Cloud

When dealing with chronic illness (mental and physical) it’s so easy to feel self-pity and anger. These can be consuming emotions, and it’s the easiest thing to get lost in them. The question is how to get out of that and feel something else. Unfortunately, I haven’t figure that out yet.

I get so mad when I think about my health. I have both mental and physical chronic illnesses. I have major chronic pain. I’m too young to need all the medication I’m on (in addition to psych and phys therapies). It’s embarrassing! What the hell did I do to deserve all this? Every moment of every day is a struggle against all of it.

And I hate complaining so much because I have a great life. I have so much to be happy about, but the constant pain and anxiety and helplessness doesn’t allow me to fully enjoy the great parts of my life. If OCD doesn’t scream at me not to do something, then my back or neck will make it difficult and painful to move. If not that, then I’ll have trouble breathing. Recently, my body decided that crap wasn’t enough, so it decided to change how it digests some foods. So much fun!!

And after getting worked up in a fury, all I can think about is how this is probably as good as it gets. I’m in my twenties, the supposed peak of my health and ability. I’m barely an adult. Both the physical and mental struggles will only get worse and more difficult to deal with as I get older. That’s not a very bright future. Hard to get excited about. I have so many other wonderful things to look forward to, but they’re all under a really dark cloud that seems inescapable.

I don’t want a pity party. I’m not asking for that. I just need to express these feelings sometimes. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes it seems impossible to escape despair.

How do you deal with these feelings? How do you get past them?

Dermatillomania

In addition to fighting OCD, I am also engaged in a constant battle with dermatillomania.  For those of you unfamiliar with that term, it means that I pick at my skin.  I compulsively pick scabs, fingernails, the skin around my fingernails, my face, etc.  Lately, I have been picking until I bleed.  Gross, right?

Dermatillomania is an impulse control disorder.  It, along with trichotillomania (the compulsion to pick one’s hair out), is a commonly comorbid with OCD because impulse control disorders are considered to be part of the OCD spectrum.
I used to hate this terrible habit—what I thought was just a habit, anyway—and I though it was childish to be unable to stop.  It has always disgusted me.  But it’s not just a bad habit.  It’s how my brain works; it’s an involuntary action, so I can’t just stop.  Like OCD, it gets much worse when I have a lot of outside stress.  It calms me when I’m stressed.  I know this won’t make sense to a lot of you, but it’s very comforting, embarrassing, but comforting.

I had managed it well for awhile, or so I thought.  I quit playing with my cats so that I wouldn’t have scratches on my arms to pick.  I keep my nails painted, so I can pick at the polish instead of my skin.

But these don’t solve the problem.  To stop picking, therapy prescribes a stress ball.  The idea is that if you squeeze a stress ball every time you want to pick, then it will retrain your brain to need/desire the new action over the old one.  Eventually, when I am stressed, my instinct will be to squeeze a stress ball instead of pick my skin.

The problem is this involuntary part.  Most of the time, I don’t know I’m picking until I draw blood and have to get a bandage.  By that point, it’s too late to get the ball; the damage is done.  I always have the ball with me in my purse, but I always forget it’s there.

So what to do?

For those of you who know me in real life, who see me on a regular basis, I need your help.  If you see me picking at my fingers, arms, or face, then tell me to use my stress ball.  You probably notice what I’m doing before I do (because it’s weird and gross).  I would say you should slap me on the hand if you catch me picking, but please don’t.  You’re all well aware of how much I LOVE being touched.

Maybe It’s the Meds

Today was just as terrible as yesterday.  I started feeling depressed, but I think I know why.  I think it’s Prozac coupled with hormones that is messing me up so bad.  I’m going to try to get an appointment with my doctor soon and see what she thinks.  I hope that’s what is going on because that would mean that it will go away in another day or two.  On the flip side of that, though, it could also mean that I get to have this much fun every month.  If that is the case, then I will not be taking this much longer.

We’ll see.  I’m not giving up on Prozac just yet, but I’m leaning more and more in that direction.  It’s supposed to lessen my anxiety, not increase it.  It seems like every week there’s something new to mess with my head.

Even if it’s not the Prozac, saying it’s the Prozac is helping me not lose it.  I am more rational when I can look at the crazy emotions I’m feeling and blame them on my medication.

Oh and the sweating thing still isn’t completely gone.  Much less than at first, but still enough to be super annoying.

What do you think?  Any of you females who have taken Prozac have a similar experience with Prozac and hormones?