The Work Dilemma
I made it through my first week as a preschool teacher! I haven’t had a meltdown since last Tuesday. It is still stressful, but it hasn’t pushed me to tears again. On Wednesday morning, I casually mentioned to the lead theatre teacher that the day before had been overwhelming, partially because I have OCD. I didn’t make a big deal about it because I really don’t want special treatment. I didn’t ask to never have bathroom duty. She has, however, voluntarily eased up on me, which has been wonderful. She has sent me with kids to the bathroom, but no more than two or three. Sometimes she even takes the kids to the bathroom, which is nice. I’m sure I will get used to dealing with taking preschoolers to the bathroom and it’s nice that I’m allowed to do so slowly. Jumping into the deep end last week was rough!
So I think I can handle it. My anxiety levels at work this morning were considerably lower than they were last week. I can’t wait to tell my therapist on Thursday! As upset as I was last Tuesday, I’m glad to have gone through it. This has forced me to make progress that I thought would take me much longer to make. Every single day so far, I have resisted taking a shower immediately after getting home from work. Every single day so far, I have managed to wait to shower until it was not a compulsion, but simply time for my daily shower. That alone has been such an accomplishment! I have wanted to sooo badly, but have resisted and it feels really good!
The confidence boost from that has really helped me with the rest of my homework. I got really down on myself two weeks ago for having trouble with starting to resist compulsions. That pressure of needing to not fail made it hard to succeed. It’s nice to feel successful this week. I feel like maybe this whole thing is possible after all. I have so much work to do, but I have renewed hope now. I know I will have hard OCD days and weeks and will probably have periods of regression, but I believe–possibly for the first time–that I will overcome this. I am stronger than OCD. It will not control me forever.
In light of the past week, I have decided to add to my homework list. I added that I’m not allowed to shower after work (unless for a valid, not OCD reason). I also added a non-contamination compulsion. In therapy, we’re just working on contamination right now. I want to start working on checking compulsions, too though, so I am no longer allowing myself to look back as I leave home (or drive back after already having left home) to check that the garage door is closed.
I’m slowly increasing the inositol. When I started, I was taking 1/8 teaspoon once per day. I’m up to 1/4 teaspoon twice per day. If I have done my math correctly, the goal of 12-18 grams will be roughly 2.5-4 teaspoons per day. We’ll see what works for me. After doing some research online, it seems that I should keep increasing until I either find a dosage that works or until I start feeling side effects (at which case I should back off). It will be awhile before I get close to the recommended dosage for OCD (12-18 grams). I’m taking the same dosage of theanine.
I want to take the time to express my gratitude for those of you following this blog. I was so nervous about starting this blog, about being completely honest about this stuff with the world. I didn’t know what kind of feedback I would get. I have received nothing but encouragement from family, friends and complete strangers. I am so thankful that I decided to start this. Your comments have been so encouraging! It’s nice to know that I’m not alone on my journey. I’m so glad to have all of you with me! From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for your support!!
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