I haven’t wanted to post because it’s not a good OCD week.  It’s not necessarily bad, but it’s not good.  After being all gung-ho in my last post, I didn’t want the next one to be a pity party.  Oh well!

I’m having a hard time with my new homework (cutting down on the hand sanitizer at work).  I thought it was doable, but thus far it has not been.  It doesn’t help that this week is super stressful already.  The first week I was there, we had roughly 8-10 kids per class.  Last week it was 10-12 kids per class.  This week it’s 13-17 kids per class.  There are four classes and one of the lead teachers is on vacation this week, leaving us short-handed.  I can’t believe it’s only Tuesday!  Who wants to get drinks on Friday at oh, say, 1:30 p.m.?  I am going to need it!  So this extra stress is making it harder for me to resist using hand sanitizer.  I keep needing to relieve my anxiety, even if only for a moment.  It also didn’t help that today I had less access to the teacher’s workroom (aka the place with the only sink not contaminated by little children and their poor hygiene).

I am still too stressed out about contamination in my own home, too.  I want to clean so badly, but household chemicals can contaminate, too.  I really don’t want to come in contact with any of it.  I bought some bathroom cleaner with bleach in it recently, but was afraid of using it.  I finally gave in an used it on my bathroom sink.  Even with gloves on, I still had a lot of anxiety.  I intended to tackle the bathtub that day, too, but didn’t make it that far.  Maybe this weekend.  I’m really nervous about the bathtub.  I don’t actually touch the sink when I use it, so any residue of bleach won’t get on me.  I come in contact with the bathtub, though.

And something is messing with my sleep.  I don’t know if it’s related to any of this or not.  Until recently, I haven’t had huge problems with falling asleep or staying asleep.  I go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning.  The last few nights, I have lain in bed for an hour or two, unable to go to sleep.  Not surprisingly, this has made getting up in the morning more difficult.  I have been late to work the past two days because I keep hitting the snooze button and end up getting up too late.  Luckily, most of the other teachers are usually just as late as me, so it’s not a big deal.

*    *    *    *

I guess I shouldn’t feel like crap just because I haven’t done great on the one homework assignment.  I have worked on things this week.  Yesterday, I pet my cat and was able to wait 20 minutes before washing my hands.  I was unable to use that hand for anything else for that 20 minutes, but waiting that long was still tough.

I had to cut back a tiny bit on the inositol because I almost ran out.  On Friday, I ordered 227 grams from BulkNutrition.com.  I didn’t think it would get here so fast, but it came in today!  Sweet!  So tonight it’s back up to where I was.

*    *    *    *

Enough with the frustration.  I had a very exciting weekend!  My best friend had her first baby and he is the most adorable baby in the world.  I will fight you if you dare to disagree with me.  I got to visit them in the hospital, which meant I was not only allowed, but encouraged to wash and sanitize my hands.  It was great except for the fact that it was a hospital, which means lots of contamination.  At least it wasn’t the sick part of the hospital!  I still felt icky in the elevators since they were used by everyone.  So anyway, I managed to stay in the room (though I did move across the room) during a couple of diaper changes.  My friend’s husband grossed me out by changing a diaper and then sitting down to finish his dinner (“I’m using a fork to eat, not my hands”).  Gross!


9 thoughts on “Obstruction

  1. I am sorry that things are getting a little rough again. The little bumps are expected. And they are just little bumps.

    Being in the hospital was rough for me too. Thankfully everyone was really good about washing their hands. . .most of the time (jer) haha. We love you so much and can’t wait for things to calm down so you can be around T more!! 🙂

  2. Is OCD fear based? It sounds like the root cause is fear and not stress. Fear can cause stress. Sorry you had a set back, but remember that is typical for anything in life when you are trying to improve yourself.

    1. I use LOTS of lotion. I always have sanitizer and lotion in my purse. Even using lotion throughout the day, I still have really dry hands and sometimes the skin around my knuckles and wrists gets really red and starts to crack.

  3. You might try some light meditation for your sleep problems? I never manage to meditate, but it usually puts me to sleep when I’m having trouble.
    I don’t think the position matters, since I get uncomfortable if I’m flat on my back. Just follow your breath in and out of your lungs with your mind, while counting each inhale and each exhale. Eventually, your exhale should be almost twice as long as your inhale. A good start is 3 to 4-5. Also, try to “fill” near your diaphragm first.

    Hope that helps and doesn’t sound too much like a crazy gypsy lady.

    1. I’m more than familiar with meditation. I got interested in it after reading Hardcore Zen for Dr. Howard’s religion class. I just never seem to have time to do it. I try to do yoga breathing when I’m laying in bed unable to sleep, but my mind invariably goes other places pretty quickly.

      Also, I try to keep from counting things because of OCD. Counting never ends well (or just never ends).

      1. “Hardcore Zen” was okay, but his later work gets a little better. I found HZ a little too arrogant for my tastes. “Buddhist Reflections on Everyday Life” is a little flowery, but makes for a relaxing read. It also has some good steps for meditation. “This is It” and “The Book” by Alan Watts are also good for perspective.

        I have a lot of free time, but I’m never relaxed enough to meditate either. That’s why I usually use it to sleep.

        I can see why counting would be difficult…I once read something about visualization. Viewing inhale as one color, traveling down your spine and into your lungs, and each exhale as a different color, traveling back up. I used blue and orange I think…

        Obviously, you don’t have to do any of this. Just trying to help.

        1. No I appreciate it. I’m really good at the breathing. I learned all about that in yoga. The problem is my mind would rather focus on other things.

          I liked Hardcore Zen more than I liked Sit Down and Shut Up. I never finished the latter. I loved the first, though. There was arrogance, but not enough to bother me. I already have The Book. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to read anything for pleasure right now. I’m busy catching up on all the stuff I need to have read before starting grad school.

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