Defeat

It happened–the day I have been dreading since I started working at the preschool.  A child wet herself today and I was asked to take care of it.  My anxiety peaked and I froze.  All that I could get out was a small, terrified moan.  I’m sure my face told the rest of the story because the other teacher very quickly said “Don’t worry.  Watch the class.  I’ve got it.”  Relief swept over me.  My anxiety vanished instantly.  My mind cleared and my vocabulary returned.

Guilt rushed in to replace the anxiety.  I felt like such a failure.  The rest of the morning was filled with self-loathing.  Sure, I have OCD, but this is my job.  I have never allowed OCD to keep me from accomplishing tasks at work.  It has made some work situations difficult, but work has always trumped OCD, no matter the anxiety that ensued.  OCD won this time and that’s hard to swallow.

I know I’m making progress.  I know I’m slowly getting better.  It’s impossible not to feel a little defeated today, though.  Until now, I thought I had retained some amount of control over OCD, but today I feel helpless.  I hate feeling helpless.

As pathetic as I feel right now, though, this defeat has only strengthened my resolve to beat OCD.  OCD may have won this battle, but I will win the war.

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5 thoughts on “Defeat

  1. Truthfully each of us have something we struggle w and should choose to conquer. Only problem is it’s so much easier to say “that’s just the way I am.” On step at a time you can beat this! Though my issue isn’t OCD I can conquer mine too. You give me courage and strength to do just that!!! You bless me and I love ya!

  2. Remember your counselor told you last week that there WILL be hard days and to hold on to the fact that you are making progress and to not let that sense of failure creep in. You’re doing it! You’re getting there!

  3. Here’s what I see-good news! OCD didn’t beat you because you still have hope! Hope doesn’t disappoint. Your sadness that you missed an opportunity didn’t swallow your hope and that is big. Celebrate, Girl-I am for you!

  4. Struggling doesn’t mean defeat!
    As long as you’re struggling, you’re winning, because you’re fighting the battle! You’re making great progress-keep up the good work!

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