It happened–the day I have been dreading since I started working at the preschool. A child wet herself today and I was asked to take care of it. My anxiety peaked and I froze. All that I could get out was a small, terrified moan. I’m sure my face told the rest of the story because the other teacher very quickly said “Don’t worry. Watch the class. I’ve got it.” Relief swept over me. My anxiety vanished instantly. My mind cleared and my vocabulary returned.
Guilt rushed in to replace the anxiety. I felt like such a failure. The rest of the morning was filled with self-loathing. Sure, I have OCD, but this is my job. I have never allowed OCD to keep me from accomplishing tasks at work. It has made some work situations difficult, but work has always trumped OCD, no matter the anxiety that ensued. OCD won this time and that’s hard to swallow.
I know I’m making progress. I know I’m slowly getting better. It’s impossible not to feel a little defeated today, though. Until now, I thought I had retained some amount of control over OCD, but today I feel helpless. I hate feeling helpless.
As pathetic as I feel right now, though, this defeat has only strengthened my resolve to beat OCD. OCD may have won this battle, but I will win the war.