My brain never gives me a break. Between therapy and this blog, I have been more conscious about OCD and have thought about it a lot more than I used to. I feel like I think about OCD all the time now. It’s not that I was able to turn OCD off in the past. It has always been there. I just wasn’t aware of it before. I didn’t constantly think throughout the day I’m doing this because of OCD… OCD makes me do this… OCD… OCD… OCD! I just did things because I thought I needed to do them. I knew it was OCD, but didn’t give it any more thought than that. Now those three letters are always in my head.
The wonderful thing about finding other OCD bloggers is the sense of community, that I am not alone in my struggle. That has been immensely comforting! The horrible thing about it, though, is that I keep worrying I’ll develop their symptoms. I’ll read a blog and think Hey, I hadn’t thought of that before. Something new to be terrified of! It’s frustrating. It’s not like I will only have my obsessions and compulsions and will never develop any others. I have had so many throughout my life. They come and go, some sticking around longer than others. So what if I beat one and another swoops in to takes its place? Will this ever end?
The past few days, I have been worrying that instead of getting better, I’ll get worse. I have been doing well on my exposures and have been cutting back on compulsions little by little. But the compulsions are only one side of OCD. What am I to do about the obsessions? Is there anything that can be done about them? Will I ever be able to make them stop? Maybe the contamination obsessions will quiet down as I ween off of my contamination compulsions, but what about the obsessions that aren’t coupled with compulsions? What do I do about the stuff that is only in my head?
I AM OBSESSING ABOUT OCD! Ugh! How crazy can I get?