Crazy Upon Crazy Upon Crazy

My brain never gives me a break.  Between therapy and this blog, I have been more conscious about OCD and have thought about it a lot more than I used to.  I feel like I think about OCD all the time now.  It’s not that I was able to turn OCD off in the past.  It has always been there.  I just wasn’t aware of it before.  I didn’t constantly think throughout the day I’m doing this because of OCD… OCD makes me do this… OCD… OCD… OCD! I just did things because I thought I needed to do them.  I knew it was OCD, but didn’t give it any more thought than that.  Now those three letters are always in my head.

The wonderful thing about finding other OCD bloggers is the sense of community, that I am not alone in my struggle.  That has been immensely comforting!  The horrible thing about it, though, is that I keep worrying I’ll develop their symptoms.  I’ll read a blog and think Hey, I hadn’t thought of that before.  Something new to be terrified of! It’s frustrating.  It’s not like I will only have my obsessions and compulsions and will never develop any others.  I have had so many throughout my life.  They come and go, some sticking around longer than others.  So what if I beat one and another swoops in to takes its place?  Will this ever end?

The past few days, I have been worrying that instead of getting better, I’ll get worse.  I have been doing well on my exposures and have been cutting back on compulsions little by little.  But the compulsions are only one side of OCD.  What am I to do about the obsessions?  Is there anything that can be done about them?  Will I ever be able to make them stop?  Maybe the contamination obsessions will quiet down as I ween off of my contamination compulsions, but what about the obsessions that aren’t coupled with compulsions?  What do I do about the stuff that is only in my head?

I AM OBSESSING ABOUT OCD!  Ugh!  How crazy can I get?


2 thoughts on “Crazy Upon Crazy Upon Crazy

  1. I feel like I’ve experienced a lot of the same fears that you mention here. Just reading some of your posts triggers me sometimes, but then, it’s good exposure for me :).

    I worry about taking on others’ obsessions and compulsions, too, but with a slightly different angle – when I read about others’ contamination issues I start to feel guilty for not doing the sort of compulsions that others still do – for not putting in that amount of effort to do things “right.” I begin to think, “Oh no! I don’t feel like I have to wash in that situation anymore even though I once did. What does that mean?? Do I still have OCD? That doesn’t cause me anxiety now, but should it? Am I being careless? Am I letting myself off the hook too easily? Maybe I should still worry about that…some contamination OCDer I am! I’m going to forget what it’s like to have OCD altogether and spiral down into irredeemable filth.” Yeah, that’s OCD for you…constantly trying to find ways to make you move backwards and doubt the legitimacy of your success. I hate how sometimes even when you do win, OCD is capable of taking the joy out the victory, as well.

    I also really liked the way you describe thinking about OCD:

    “I feel like I think about OCD all the time now. It’s not that I was able to turn OCD off in the past. It has always been there. I just wasn’t aware of it before. I didn’t constantly think throughout the day I’m doing this because of OCD… OCD makes me do this… OCD… OCD… OCD! I just did things because I thought I needed to do them.”

    I wasn’t really aware of what I was doing either. OCD was always there, but like you said, “I just did things because I thought I needed to do them.” I didn’t really even realize it was OCD. I didn’t know the sort of things that I felt I HAD to do could be grouped together as symptoms of a single disorder . I just thought it was me and that I was choosing to be that way. Performing various compulsions and also concealing them was just second nature. Now I look back and think, why didn’t I think it was weird that I did all these things that I felt I had to hide? Why didn’t I ever question my behavior? And now, like you, I sometimes feel that OCD is everywhere. OCD seems to have snuck its way into all sorts of places I didn’t necessarily expect it to be. And while that may seem like a distressing realization, I actually LOVE that it seems to be everywhere. I can’t wait for things I have always found unnecessarily difficult to be made easier as I get better at challenging OCD. I am actually afraid not that my OCD has gotten ahold of everything, but that it hasn’t – that OCD ISN’T what makes some things so difficult. Now that I have suddenly discovered that so many things don’t have to be as difficult as I, or rather OCD, made them, I don’t want that exciting revelation taken away by finding out that, nope that isn’t OCD at all. That’s just life!

    Okay, I got a bit carried away here for a comment. Sorry! I just love it when I discover others who have had similar experiences and then capture them wonderfully in writing! I’ll try to reign it in, in the future :).

    1. Please don’t reign it in! I love long comments! I will probably leave some incredibly long ones on your blog at some point. I am known for being long-winded when I write.

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