So as you may know, I have been tasked by my therapist to count the number of times I wash my hands each day. When I started on Sunday, I had no qualms about counting hand washes. The first few days were no big deal. I was actually excited to see that I wash my hands fewer times each day than I would have estimated. Cue OCD. I’ll open up a window to my head so you can look in on the thought process of a crazy person:
I can’t give these numbers to my therapist. What if they’re wrong? What if I’m lying? What if I fudged the numbers? What if I didn’t write down every hand wash so as to make myself appear more normal? What if I wrote down too many hand washes to make myself appear more like I am legitimately suffering from OCD? If the number is wrong, then treatment will be wrong. There’s no way to tell. I should just throw this piece of paper away. What if my therapist knows I’m lying? I don’t make a tally after every single time I wash my hands. Sometimes I wait until I’ve washed them 2, 3, 4 times. What if I forgot or misremembered one? I have OCD. My counting should be perfect. What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t it perfect? AGHHHH!
It’s taking everything in me not to tear up the paper on which I have been keeping a tally.