I cut it short a few days ago in my post about why OCD makes traveling difficult. There is more that I wanted to write about. Luckily, this isn’t as hard to write about as the content of my previous post was. So here we go.
I have been emailing back and forth with my awesome new UK pen-pal (e-pal?), Caity over at Pandammonium, about OCD and we have a lot in common! She mentioned how she has a hard time with changing states:
I am reluctant to change state, as I think of it. For example, I’m in bed now with the cat (she demanded I sit so she could snuggle, so I thought it would be a good time to write this!), but I should really be getting up. That involves a change of state from being in bed to not being in bed. Then I should go in the shower. That involves another change of state. Once I am in the shower, getting out involves another change if state, and so on. This is why I’m so often late.
I can relate to this change of state thing. I sometimes struggle with it as well. I seem to want to linger in a state rather than change. I had a similar problem growing up that I think was because of OCD. My parents have been divorced since I was 5 years old. I lived with my mom and stayed with my dad every weekend. Most kids do ok with that kind of schedule, no big deal. I’m sure it’s hard at first, but normal kids get used to it. My brother was fine with it, but I had a very hard time going back and forth every few days.
Shortly after I was diagnosed with OCD (at 12 years old), I started seeing a therapist (who was totally worthless for OCD, but that’s another post). After seeing her for a bit, we decided that the constant back and forth was too much for me to handle. So I opted to change my schedule to seeing my dad every other weekend instead of every weekend because the stress was just too much for me. I hate that I had to do that to him, but it was more than I could handle as a kid.
Visiting from College
Now I live 300 miles from my family and I still struggle with this now when I visit them. One day I’m at home. The next I’m at my mom’s house. A couple of days later I’m at my dad’s house. Then a couple of days after that, I’m home again. By the time I finally arrive home, I’m in a terrible mood. It’s so frustrating. I so badly want to be home, but when I get there, everything feels wrong. Everything feels off. I adjusted to staying with parents and it takes awhile to adjust to being home again. I’m not the nicest person when I first get home, but my boyfriend is forgiving. I usually lay on the couch watching TV in a funk for a few hours and refuse to do anything more than that. Then I go to bed. Once I wake up, I’m usually back to normal, but that first evening back always sucks.
Anyway, I can’t decide if this is OCD or just a weird quirk, but my money is on OCD because all of my weirdness seems to stem from OCD. Or maybe it’s more just general anxiety. I don’t know. I’m nuts. Just one more thing to store in my crazy box.
Do any of you experience this? To what degree?