School is kicking my ass.  As most of you know, I was in therapy all summer and made lots of improvement.  I feel like I’ve lost a lot of that, though.  I’m still doing better about some things.  For instance, I can use a public restroom now if I really need to.

On the other hand, I’m going through hand sanitizer far too quickly.  I find myself immensely digusted by my surroundings and coming up with expensive, unnecessary solutions to these supposed problems.  Like my couch.  My couch is fine, but it grosses me out.  My cats jump up on it all the time to sit with me.  The cats are dirty; therefore the couch is dirty.  So I want to buy a slipcover, something washable.  For a broke college student, slipcovers are expensive!  I should not be thinking about blowing $50 on a slipcover when I can barely afford to eat, but that’s how my mind works.

I haven’t been to therapy in a few weeks.  I was supposed to have an appointment last weekend, but had to reschedule.  The problem is that I left my therapist a message about this and she has yet to call me back.  I could, of course, call her again, but… I don’t want to.  I hate making phone calls.  It can take me days to make a phone call to anyone other than family.  Anxiety leads to procrastination.  That and I don’t want to go to therapy because I’m doing so poorly.  Stupid, right?  This is when I should want to go to therapy more to get help.

I’m so worn out from school that I just don’t have the energy to fight OCD like I did this summer.  When I think about exposures, I remember much they exhausted me.  I need to do exposures.  I need to cut back on hand washing.  My hands are so dry!  It’s so frustrating to see how difficult it was to make the progress I made and how easy it is to erase all of it.  OCD didn’t like being weakened this summer.  As soon as I showed weakness, it came back stronger than before.  It’s not fair.


Also, if any of you ever try inositol, please please please don’t ever stop taking it cold turkey.  Going off of it for a few days when I was waiting on my next shipment was a huge mistake.  I’m still recovering.  Because I waited so long, I could not go back to the full dose without it completely destroying my digestive system.  And because it took a few days, it threw off my routine.  So even once I got it, I forgot doses here and there.  Then forgot for a couple of days straight which messed me up again.  My whole body feels off.  My skin feels weird.  I have frequent headaches.  I get plenty of sleep, but I’m more tired than I have ever been.  I can barely function at work and school because all I want to do is sleep.  I’m taking small doses every day and am slowly getting back to feeling normal, but I’m not quite there yet.  I will never make this mistake again.  If I ever decide to quit taking it, I will slowly ween myself off of it.


10 thoughts on “Digression

  1. I know what you mean about fighting OCD on like time off. I tried getting a new job recently, thinking that I had made enough improvements, and BAM! Two days in and I was almost back where I was 6 months ago after my last complete breakdown.

  2. Hang in there, Elly! I can totally understand how the stress of school could exacerbate your OCD and make it harder to fight. Be kind to yourself, and take little victories when and where you can!

    That said, it’s good to know you’re still out there. I am so impressed that you are able to keep up with school despite your OCD! If I had to juggle school during my most recent episode of OCD, I don’t know how I would have managed!

    Does your therapist have an email address? You could always email her. Then again, if you have waited a reasonable amount of time for her to call you back and you haven’t heard anything, you could try again…it may be uncomfortable or downright frightening but it will only get easier if you keep doing it. Though I no longer have a fear of making phone calls (if I make an idiot of myself…who cares?!), I know what it’s like because I used to hate it!

    Anyways, glad you’re getting back on track with your meds! And good for you for recognizing your mistake and learning from it. I know people who go off their meds randomly cold turkey, experience negative side effects when they do, and for some reason or another, repeat the same thing again and again!

    Good luck with school! Take care!

  3. I’m often even afraid to instant message friends online. I far prefer people initiate everything, then I’m fine.
    OCD gets worse during stressful times, so it will ease up later.

  4. I hate making phone calls. Oh, the things I’ve screwed up or missed out on because I couldn’t bring myself to make a phone call. It’s so frustrating that something so easy for others is so paralyzing for me. I feel your pain here. Plus, the idea of waiting for your therapist to call before getting back to therapy. Been there, too.

    Sometimes I’m just too tired to work. Yes, that’s when I need it most but that doesn’t matter in the moment.

    Your progress isn’t gone. Everything you did well is still a part of you. It’s part of your history. Don’t write it off just because now is not as good. You have learned a lot and you will get back to a good place. Be patient with yourself. Slip ups are part of change. You were one way for a long time. You can’t just flip a switch and expect it to change. Forgive yourself, accept your humanity and fallability, and take one step forward.

    You’ll be back in control again soon.

    1. Thank you. I frequently have to remind myself that it will take lots of time–and a few failures–to undo a lifetime of OCD behavior. My journey is not over just because I’m having a difficult time. I will get back to where I was this summer, and then I’ll go further.

  5. phone calls are scary. Especially when a rude person answers the phone. It used to take days for me to make a single phone call too. Now, not so much. I kind of got over the fear because my wife forced me to call many numbers when we were looking for apartments and stuff.
    hope things work out for you. And goodluck with college, I know it can be very tough but it’s worth it, and there is an end to it.

  6. if u feel like taking a break for awhile it’s ok, but just to take a new breath and go stronger, ive been dealing with ocd my whole life, but right now it is getting really really hard to take, actuall at the moment im like pure O, which sometime i think is more difficcult maybe im not right, but thats what i think,hope u get better.

  7. I have one or two such phone calls to make myself. I can’t see me doing them anytime soon, unless I can just pick up the phone and dial.

    I still recommend E45 cream and E45 handwash for your hands. It’s for dry skin problems and it’s soothing, too. I used it for eczema.

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