School is kicking my ass. As most of you know, I was in therapy all summer and made lots of improvement. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of that, though. I’m still doing better about some things. For instance, I can use a public restroom now if I really need to.
On the other hand, I’m going through hand sanitizer far too quickly. I find myself immensely digusted by my surroundings and coming up with expensive, unnecessary solutions to these supposed problems. Like my couch. My couch is fine, but it grosses me out. My cats jump up on it all the time to sit with me. The cats are dirty; therefore the couch is dirty. So I want to buy a slipcover, something washable. For a broke college student, slipcovers are expensive! I should not be thinking about blowing $50 on a slipcover when I can barely afford to eat, but that’s how my mind works.
I haven’t been to therapy in a few weeks. I was supposed to have an appointment last weekend, but had to reschedule. The problem is that I left my therapist a message about this and she has yet to call me back. I could, of course, call her again, but… I don’t want to. I hate making phone calls. It can take me days to make a phone call to anyone other than family. Anxiety leads to procrastination. That and I don’t want to go to therapy because I’m doing so poorly. Stupid, right? This is when I should want to go to therapy more to get help.
I’m so worn out from school that I just don’t have the energy to fight OCD like I did this summer. When I think about exposures, I remember much they exhausted me. I need to do exposures. I need to cut back on hand washing. My hands are so dry! It’s so frustrating to see how difficult it was to make the progress I made and how easy it is to erase all of it. OCD didn’t like being weakened this summer. As soon as I showed weakness, it came back stronger than before. It’s not fair.
Also, if any of you ever try inositol, please please please don’t ever stop taking it cold turkey. Going off of it for a few days when I was waiting on my next shipment was a huge mistake. I’m still recovering. Because I waited so long, I could not go back to the full dose without it completely destroying my digestive system. And because it took a few days, it threw off my routine. So even once I got it, I forgot doses here and there. Then forgot for a couple of days straight which messed me up again. My whole body feels off. My skin feels weird. I have frequent headaches. I get plenty of sleep, but I’m more tired than I have ever been. I can barely function at work and school because all I want to do is sleep. I’m taking small doses every day and am slowly getting back to feeling normal, but I’m not quite there yet. I will never make this mistake again. If I ever decide to quit taking it, I will slowly ween myself off of it.