I should be writing a paper, but, as usual, OCD is getting in my way. This semester has been the worst one yet. All of the fears and obsessive thoughts that have haunted me throughout college now seem to be strengthening. They are taking my struggle and saying, See? We knew you weren’t smart enough! We knew you were really stupid and now your professors and classmates are finding it out, too!
(Yes, I’m personifying my obsessive thoughts. No, I don’t really have voices in my head. Sometimes the back-and-forth between reason and OCD seems a bit like a conversation, but I don’t hear voices.)
So yeah. I have never struggled this much with school, especially with English classes. It’s like my brain isn’t functioning properly. It’s like it keeps checking out when I need it most. I keep having to ask for help, for clarification, for someone to completely re-explain something to me because I didn’t understand anything that was discussed in class.
I’m not used to needing help so bad that I actually ask for it. Those of you who have known me for a long time know that I don’t ask for help. I usually just struggle through things on my own. I hate asking for help! But this semester, I have been asking for help on a regular basis. I guess it’s good that I am finally able to ask, but it sucks that things had to get this bad to get me to do so.
I know I’m going to end up sick before long. I always get sick when I get too stressed out. My immune system goes to hell. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I haven’t been eating well lately. I don’t understand how I have gained weight this semester when I’m barely eating.
Tonight, I realized just how bad it has gotten. I was sitting here writing a paper, and I had some awful stomach pain because I hadn’t eaten much today. Finally the pain made me stop writing and eat something. The messed up thing is that this is a semi-regular occurrence.
I really didn’t want to mention this problem, but when I started this blog, I promised to be honest and open. I thought it would be easy by now, but it continues to be difficult. I frequently struggle to press the publish button.
I’m sorry to be so negative. I know that’s not as fun for you to read. I’m just feeling really down tonight and writing always helps me feel better. That and you guys are always so amazing.
One last apology: I’m sorry for any grammatical errors. I usually proofread, but I’m exhausted, so I’m going to bed. I’ll check it tomorrow or something.