Social anxiety doesn’t usually give me much trouble, but I got a big dose of it today. I don’t know exactly why today turned into a perfect storm of all of my various mental disorders, but it did, and it was not fun.
I decided to wear a dress today and be pretty. My wardrobe is usually pretty casual, but I thought it would be fun to dress nice for a day. No. I was so uncomfortable and self-conscious all day. I second and triple guessed myself all day. Every word that came out of my mouth was met with harsh internal criticism and was replayed over and over and over in my head.
I remain convinced that everyone was staring at and judging me all day. I hate being this paranoid. All day, I just wanted to find a nice place to hide. I wanted to run home and bury myself under the covers until people stopped being so scary.
On top of that was worse-than-usual perfectionism. I struggle with perfectionism on a daily basis, but it was a lot worse today, for whatever reason. I have been consumed with fear of failure because of my imperfections. I have felt so overwhelmingly helpless all day.
You know that impossible feeling? That absolutely paralyzing feeling of incapability? Yeah, that has been my day. I am overwhelmed with my inadequacies, with my disabilities.
I hate, hate, HATE wallowing in my own self pity, but it has just been that kind of day. So now I’m trying to enjoy a glass of wine and hoping that tomorrow will be better.