The Dark Cloud

When dealing with chronic illness (mental and physical) it’s so easy to feel self-pity and anger. These can be consuming emotions, and it’s the easiest thing to get lost in them. The question is how to get out of that and feel something else. Unfortunately, I haven’t figure that out yet.

I get so mad when I think about my health. I have both mental and physical chronic illnesses. I have major chronic pain. I’m too young to need all the medication I’m on (in addition to psych and phys therapies). It’s embarrassing! What the hell did I do to deserve all this? Every moment of every day is a struggle against all of it.

And I hate complaining so much because I have a great life. I have so much to be happy about, but the constant pain and anxiety and helplessness doesn’t allow me to fully enjoy the great parts of my life. If OCD doesn’t scream at me not to do something, then my back or neck will make it difficult and painful to move. If not that, then I’ll have trouble breathing. Recently, my body decided that crap wasn’t enough, so it decided to change how it digests some foods. So much fun!!

And after getting worked up in a fury, all I can think about is how this is probably as good as it gets. I’m in my twenties, the supposed peak of my health and ability. I’m barely an adult. Both the physical and mental struggles will only get worse and more difficult to deal with as I get older. That’s not a very bright future. Hard to get excited about. I have so many other wonderful things to look forward to, but they’re all under a really dark cloud that seems inescapable.

I don’t want a pity party. I’m not asking for that. I just need to express these feelings sometimes. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes it seems impossible to escape despair.

How do you deal with these feelings? How do you get past them?


8 thoughts on “The Dark Cloud

  1. i wish i knew what to say… i deal with the same dark cloud… the only thing that has helped me thus far is art… drawing… it’s such a mind-wash that it somehow really does help… the focus, the absence of thought… even if i only get to draw for 15 minutes, i feel totally refreshed somehow…

    when i first started reading about art therapy i thought it was pretty much hogwash… but i’m finding that it helps tremendously…

    i hope you find some light under that dark cloud… for me sometimes it can happen quickly but other times it can lost a long time… i’m so sorry that you are having to deal with the hovering clouds

    1. Hmm I have never tried art therapy. I’ve always wanted to, but I feel like I’m not artistic enough. How does art therapy work?

      1. i haven’t felt so artistic ever in my life til now …. i started out doing “zentangles” and also on youtube search zentangle…

        once i got the hang of it i just kind of took off with other things…

        doing the drawing really relaxes me… it’s sort of a meditative thing… it’s very focused drawing, one stroke at a time is the motto… and there are no mistakes… done all in ink… you should ck it out…

        many of my emotions tend to come out in the drawings… they aren’t planned pieces of art but just a random thing that happens… and when done i step back and can really see where my mind is… it really works….

        the writing is very helpful too… i’m able to just put it out there…get it out of my head… makes a huge difference as well…

  2. I find that the less I keep busy, the worse I feel. Physical activity probably makes me feel the best in the end. I read that you have pains in your body, but try to get out and get some exercise everyday. When I was really down once upon a time, I started out by just walking 1/2 a mile to a mile, then I started surfing again. It really helped. Swimming is really low impact and good for all of your muscles, possibly easy on your back. If you are anything like me, you may be keeping your stress in your back… you have to control how your anxiety gets to you [not easy to do but it is possible].

    Hope you feel better, progressively.

    1. That makes sense. My doctors always tell me to exercise. I just hate it. I think I’m going to try swimming some this summer. I just have a hard time with that because pools make me nervous about getting nail/foot fungus.

      I think you’re right about keeping busy. Today, I stayed busy running errands, doing chores, and sewing, and I didn’t feel quite as bad today.

      I definitely keep my stress in my back. I have had back pain since elementary school. I see a chiropractor whenever I can but not often enough. I’m hoping now that school is out and some of my stress has eased, my back pain will lessen.

      Thanks for your suggestions! I will work on not being so lazy.

  3. I’ve sat on this post for a couple of days, not knowing what to say. I still don’t.

    I’m sorry your world is so dark right now. I know what that cloud is like. I don’t know how to get out of it, I usually just wait for it to pass. I guess eating and sleeping better helps some.

    As for the future, you just really don’t know. There are some illnesses that are horrible in young adulthood that get better with age. Or new treatments are developed. Or tomorrow is just better. None of this helps you feel better now; I just hope you can see that the future is not written in stone.

    I hope today is a better day.

    1. As always, your comment is helpful. Thank you, Robin!

      When dwelling on how horrible things might be in the future, it’s important to remember that I don’t know the future. I’m hoping the cloud will pass soon. I much prefer enjoying life.

      Today was a better day. Here’s hoping for more better days than worse days. Thank you!

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