Being off meds is getting harder instead of easier in some ways. I feel like a crazy person again. OCD stuff is manageable. I almost bought a little thing of hand sanitizer at the store today but managed not to. I keep wanting to ask my boyfriend to wash his hands but haven’t yet. I keep managing to avoid washing mine most of the time. OCD is majorly in my head, but I’m doing an acceptable job, I think, of ignoring it—or at least I’m resisting acting upon it if not fully ignoring it.
The dermatillomania is about the same as a week ago. My fingers are torn up, and it’s embarrassing. I’m trying to resist but mostly keep failing.
My emotions are all over the place now that Prozac isn’t regulating them. I keep having flashes of depression and rage that come out of nowhere. They’re really intense and then disappear. I’m just starting to recognize what’s happening when it happens. I’m trying to tell myself to ride it out and keep my mouth shut until it’s over.
But I’m not always good at keeping my mouth shut. I’m an impulsive sharer. I frequently decide—with little to no thought leading up to the decision—that I need someone to know something. And I always feel like they need to know right then. It can’t wait until I’ve thought about it for, I don’t know, more than five minutes.
When my head is clear, I can stop myself from being a moron more easily. But my mind fogs up when my emotions are being irrational. So I’ve been putting my foot in my mouth a LOT lately. I’m close to just not talking to anyone until I level out.
I hate saying something dumb and then feeling like a jerk. Then I obsess about what a jerk I am and start to feel like I just shouldn’t be around people.
So I guess OCD isn’t going as smoothly as I’ve been telling myself it has. I have a handle on the compulsions, but the obsessive thoughts are a problem. I keep getting stuck in my head. I keep mentally beating myself up. The self-hate is up and the self-forgiveness is nonexistent. That needs to reverse, but it’s going to take some work.
So those of you I see day to day, please be patient with me if/when I get snippy. I’m working really hard on identifying when I’m being irrational and keeping my mouth shut when that happens. Just know that if I act like a jerk, I will realize it later and apologize.
And if it’s obvious that I’m beating myself up over something, tell me to stop. Sometimes I have to be reminded that telling myself that I’m a piece of shit doesn’t actually help me in any way.
I really hope all of these ridiculous chemicals in my brain settle down soon so I can get back to normal. I’ve always been so in control of my emotions, if nothing else, and not having control freaks me out a bit.
Anyone else have this problem after getting off SSRIs? What helped you level out? I know I should work out, but I can’t go to the rec center because I’m not enrolled in school over the summer. I need to figure something else out that doesn’t involve being outside a lot in this awful Texas heat.