A (Slightly) Different Kind of Crazy

The Good(ish)

Being off meds is getting harder instead of easier in some ways. I feel like a crazy person again. OCD stuff is manageable. I almost bought a little thing of hand sanitizer at the store today but managed not to. I keep wanting to ask my boyfriend to wash his hands but haven’t yet. I keep managing to avoid washing mine most of the time. OCD is majorly in my head, but I’m doing an acceptable job, I think, of ignoring it—or at least I’m resisting acting upon it if not fully ignoring it.

The Bad

The dermatillomania is about the same as a week ago. My fingers are torn up, and it’s embarrassing. I’m trying to resist but mostly keep failing.

The Ugly

My emotions are all over the place now that Prozac isn’t regulating them. I keep having flashes of depression and rage that come out of nowhere. They’re really intense and then disappear. I’m just starting to recognize what’s happening when it happens. I’m trying to tell myself to ride it out and keep my mouth shut until it’s over.

But I’m not always good at keeping my mouth shut. I’m an impulsive sharer. I frequently decide—with little to no thought leading up to the decision—that I need someone to know something. And I always feel like they need to know right then. It can’t wait until I’ve thought about it for, I don’t know, more than five minutes.

When my head is clear, I can stop myself from being a moron more easily. But my mind fogs up when my emotions are being irrational. So I’ve been putting my foot in my mouth a LOT lately. I’m close to just not talking to anyone until I level out.

I hate saying something dumb and then feeling like a jerk. Then I obsess about what a jerk I am and start to feel like I just shouldn’t be around people.

So I guess OCD isn’t going as smoothly as I’ve been telling myself it has. I have a handle on the compulsions, but the obsessive thoughts are a problem. I keep getting stuck in my head. I keep mentally beating myself up. The self-hate is up and the self-forgiveness is nonexistent. That needs to reverse, but it’s going to take some work.

So those of you I see day to day, please be patient with me if/when I get snippy. I’m working really hard on identifying when I’m being irrational and keeping my mouth shut when that happens. Just know that if I act like a jerk, I will realize it later and apologize.

And if it’s obvious that I’m beating myself up over something, tell me to stop. Sometimes I have to be reminded that telling myself that I’m a piece of shit doesn’t actually help me in any way.

I really hope all of these ridiculous chemicals in my brain settle down soon so I can get back to normal. I’ve always been so in control of my emotions, if nothing else, and not having control freaks me out a bit.

Anyone else have this problem after getting off SSRIs? What helped you level out? I know I should work out, but I can’t go to the rec center because I’m not enrolled in school over the summer. I need to figure something else out that doesn’t involve being outside a lot in this awful Texas heat.

8 thoughts on “A (Slightly) Different Kind of Crazy

  1. There’s always a few weeks of being worse off when coming off an SSRI because there’s less serotonin floating around in your brain, less serotonin means less happy effectively. May I ask why you’ve decided to cease medication?

    I am compulsive oversharer, I’ve come to accept it’s just who I am, I have tried to curb it and it’s not like i have tourettes, i do have some control over what i say to who but i don’t filter a lot and this does freak some people out. i used to then obsess over stupid things i’d said or people i’d offended or people i’d POSSIBLY offended, completely obsessive. This has calmed down for me since dealing with some issues in therapy and letting go of a lot of guilt i was carrying for many years. I hope you find a way to stop, or at least do it less, obsessing over what people might possibly think of us gets us nowhere. all the best 🙂

    1. I decided to go off medication because everything was going really well. I was making huge strides against OCD with very little anxiety involved. So it seemed like time to go off. I still think it was the right decision; it’s just going to be a bit bumpy while I get used to being off meds again. I was on them for 2 and a half years.

      Thank you for the encouragement! It’s definitely not worth wasting energy obsessing about what people might think.

  2. I hate to be a rung bell but often people are feeling better because of the meds. Just monitor yourself and if it hasn’t settled in a couple of weeks you will probably need to go back on meds, a lot of people resent medication for mental illness and don’t want to take it but mental illness is as valid as any physical illness and a person doesn’t stop chemo because they feel a bit better, they only stop when the illness is completely gone and even then there’s a long wait period of maybe needing more medication. All the very best

    1. The plan has always been to use meds temporarily—to get to a good place with therapy and then go off. With OCD and depression, staying on meds indefinitely can actually be problematic. Medication is more effective if used as a tool when needed and then set aside when not.

      I appreciate your concern, but I know what I’m doing. I will not go back on meds until I need them again. Right now, I don’t need them. I know I will need them again in the future, but that’s hopefully a long way off.

  3. You can do this! I have tried multiple medications but everything makes me worse so I just deal. Not being able to take meds to level me out has led me to make myself figure out things I can do to self soothe. If I get really obsessive or catch myself trying to say too much I hum… I haven’t gotten weird reactions because everyone hums. The humming helps block out the thoughts while I get control over my emotions. I have to tell myself to “SLOW DOWN. You are fine. Calm yourself, it will be over in a few minutes if you SLOW DOWN.” I don’t know if this will help but you will find something to help quiet the thoughts.

    1. Thank you. I’m glad you’ve been able to find something to help you with that. That’s SO valuable.

      And I know how frustrating it is trying multiple medications without success. I tried 4 other medications before finally finding one that worked: Prozac.

  4. I’ve tried getting off meds several times. It didn’t work. When coming off Paxil and later Effexor, I literally cursed people out, which really isn’t me. Hope things go well for you.

    1. Thank you. It’s still a struggle, but I think I’m going to make it for the time being. OCD, at least, is going well. I just have to learn to deal with the rest of it.

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