I’ve noticed that I’ve been washing my hands more lately, that things are triggering a need to wash my hands and that I’m giving in to those triggers more often. This scares me. I need to be careful and work on not giving in. But like today I washed my hands quite a few times that I probably didn’t really need to. But it really felt like I needed to in that moment. And just going ahead and washing seemed easier than waiting out the need.

I’ve been having such a difficult time lately with depression. Therapy is so hard. But I’ve been holding on to all the progress I made in OCD therapy, and that helps me keep working on depression stuff in therapy. I keep remind myself that I got better, that I got control of OCD.

I’ve known through the whole fight that I wouldn’t always be able to keep full control of OCD. I’ve known that someday, OCD with take over again, to some degree, and that I’d have to fight it off again. But I want that someday to be way far in the future, years away. I don’t want that someday to be now. So I have to nip this behavior in the bud.

I can do this. I know I can. This is so little compared to what I overcame before. So little.

But I’m still scared.

14 thoughts on “Backsliding

  1. Thank you for sharing Elly,

    I send you LOVE and Peace Courage and HOPE. You can do it. Try and I know you are FRONTsliding.
    Please keep sharing
    Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

  2. Praying for u. i have been getting ur blog for a while now and u really give me hope for my fiance who also struggles with OCD and Major Depressive Disorder. it always seems when he has control over one the other rears its ugly head. Its a blessing to be aware that ur backsliding so that u can try and be proactive. Ur attitude is amazing ..u can beat this!!!!!!!

    1. Thank you so much. If it’s not one thing, it’s the other!

      And you make a good point. Being aware of what’s happening gives me an advantage. I need to remember that and be proactive. I appreciate the reminder!

  3. Dear Elly, 04-9-2014

    As I have seen you do, time and time again, which the fortunate people who haven’t had an insiders view of OCD, and probably wouldn’t understand, you have the ability, knowledge, and strength to use the OCD to your advantage — while indeed scary, your intense capacity to focus will prevail again! To quote you, “I can do this. I know I can!” Fear is expected; to use an old adage, which you know too well, “That’s the nature of the beast.”

    Thank you for sharing your trials; as always, while I wish that I could eliminate your struggles, it’s extremely helpful to hear, and gain, your insight!

    Sincerely, Steve

  4. Just take it one day at a time, and don’t be so hard on yourself! Have you mentioned this to your therapist (I don’t want to assume, so I have to ask)? It doesn’t mean the OCD has taken over. It could just mean your overwhelmed and need to take a step back in some area of life.

    I think of my experiences with depression and OCD. Sometimes they’re in check and sometimes there’re not. I’m notorious for beating myself up about things, and I’m still trying to figure out how to stop doing that. When my self-talk is bad, I suffer, and know I have to address it before everything else spirals out of control. And I tell everyone I’m doing it (okay, just my therapist & my naturopath, anyway, though I might tell my husband–but even telling one person is [to me] like telling the world). I’m not sure why, but I think that’s helped me correct it (maybe it’s because I value their responses and I know, deep down, that they think I’m being too hard on myself, which subconsciously allows me to cut myself some slack).

    Obviously we don’t know each other, but try not to be so hard on yourself. Talk about it with the people who love and support you. Talk about it with yourself (nicely). And keep us posted.

    Don’t give in. Stay strong. You can get past this!

    1. I haven’t mentioned it to my therapist yet. I’ve been dealing with a lot of things lately. Last week, we only had time to talk about my chronic physical issues that have been flaring up and causing me problems. I may talk to him about OCD fears some this week. I’m so incredibly stressed out that it seems like my mind and body are both betraying me, like they both want to pack up and get out as soon as possible. So that’s been tough.

      I’ve taken a step back in most areas of my life. School is kind of on hold. I’m still teaching, but only until May. Then I’m switching to a less stressful job for the foreseeable future. I’ve been trying to do things that are relaxing and make me happy lately. It’s nice, but it isn’t working quite yet.

      I think you’re right about telling someone about your self talking making a difference. I tell people when I’m being hard on myself, and it does help. For one, I’m admitting it out loud, which reminds me to take it a bit easier on myself. But the support I get from the people I share this with is really helpful, too. Oftentimes, they share that they’re going through something similar or have been through something similar before. And it’s so good to remember I’m not alone.

      It’s a constant struggle to be easier on myself. I’m trying to learn to give myself a break. And I am learning to, but it’s slow learning, and I forget a lot.

      Thank you.

  5. Just remember how much progress you’ve made. Remember you’ve controlled this before and you can do it again. I know you can because I’ve read many of your posts. You’re a very strong and courageous young woman. You got this. Have a good day.:)

  6. Hi! So happy to have found your blog! I have also enjoyed/found strenth in C’s blog. Glad you guys are so willing to share.

    I relate so much to your fear of backsliding. When you are coping with intense therapy and depression I know the fear spikes. One thing that may seem simple,yet helped me is being in the moment. So if I slipped,I’d tell myself the upcoming hour was another opportunity. This helped with the depression also. I don’t know why I’m writing this in past tense,as I still have quite severe OCD and try to practice this skill anytime I need it. And that’s often!

    Happy to have met you and congratulations on the house!

  7. Hi Elly, I really hope you are getting better as I write this post. You might be having a really hard time now, so my advice to you is to smile it off. I know it’s hard to smile when you’re depressed, but it helped me a lot. At times when I felt like I was going to cry, I immediately put a smile on my face. Instantly, I get this feeling of relief and it does help. I hope you will feel better and please take care!

  8. Hang in there Elly! You really need to be easier on yourself, all of us with OCD do. We put way too much pressure on ourselves. It’s okay to be scared but I read the drive and willingness to get better in your words, it’s these moments that remind us just how far we’ve come, and in turn gives us the encouragement to keep going. Stay strong Elly 🙂

    I was actually here to post about my own blog, but I read your post and just had to say something!
    If anyone wants to check it out, I just started a blog about my personal journey with OCD/PTSD/Depression, and overcoming it through exposure therapy and faith. Please feel free to have a read, and share it to anyone who it might be helpful to, or whoever you think might enjoy it.
    I’ve never done anything like this before, so lots of support would mean the world to me. Thanks!
    and happy healing, OCD fighters!


    (Elly, you can do this!)

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